The Promise

When I made the decision to have a baby on my own, I knew that it would probably mean moving back to my hometown of Phoenix. I had assumed, correctly, that having a baby would seriously limit my funds.

I left the golden state of CA for the deserts of Phoenix on a scorching hot day in July 2001, with my best friend in the passenger seat and my 2 month old baby girl in the back. I cried when I crossed the stateline.

I came back to a place where nothing had changed except the friendships I had forged during my teen years. My youth group friends, who I had spent so much time with in high school, were strangers to me. They didn't know how to react to me, an old friend with a new baby. I remember feeling completely alone.

My high school friends, however, did welcome me back. And because several others of them had also had young kids, we were able to bond over that. But they had never left Phoenix. I don't think they understood my perspective of someone who had left and was forced to return.

That first year of my baby's life was one of the hardest in the sense that I didn't feel like I knew what I was doing and I felt completely alone in my experience.

Your hometown is supposed to be the place you can always come back to, but what if you've changed completely while you were gone?

As I made new friends in Phoenix, many of them new parents and one of them also a single mother, I gradually found a community for me, peppered with a few high school friends from the past. I had my first taste of the career I would later have for 8 years. I slowly collected a variety of regular hang-out spots that my baby and I could frequent.

Then in the Spring of 2002, I decided to apply for a teaching internship in the SF Bay Area. At the time, I really wanted to be back with my college friends in the culturally, ethnically rich city I had left.

I made a plea bargain with God. If He would let me return to the Bay Area, for just this one year, I would return to settle back to Phoenix. Just one year. Being able for my toddler to grow up with her aunties nearby.

Well, I got to live that one year back in the Bay Area. And, it turned out that I even got to go to New York for two years after that. Still, after New York, I found my way back to the Bay Area to San Francisco proper.

San Francisco, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. A city I had taken for granted because I lived so near it in college. Five years of living in San Francisco has spoiled me with its food, weather, and artsy opportunities. And now, when it seems like my life is on the cusp of change again, I'm reminded of my promise in 2002:

"If you let me live back in the Bay Area for just one year, I will come back to Phoenix after that."

2010. Eight years after my promise. I had been living on borrowed time... and I had forgotten my promise.

So, if life does bring me back to my hometown, I feel like I should be ready to accept this fact. And welcome the opportunity to raise my daughter in the grounded place that formed me.

I will always have the experiences from outside the state border. And my eyes have been opened to different perspectives that Phoenicians may not have even considered.

But I can bring those perspectives back home. And continue to improve the place where I belong.

Blogging from the SF Asian American Film Festival!

2010 SF Asian American Film Festival

This is my third year volunteering for the festival; fourth year attending. Right now, I am staffing the Hospitality Lounge for guests and filmmakers at the festival. Here's where you can check in to get your pass, swag bag, comp tix (three per day!), and refreshments.

Last night, I helped with the pre-reception for the opening film Today's Special. There were samples of new products: chocolate-covered mango, pistachio biscotti, and chai nut brittle.

I love being part of the festival because it makes me feel part of something bigger.

new directions

2010 will be bringing some pretty big changes.

What's most scary about change is the uncertainty. Status quo can be pretty comforting, albeit boring. Just the other month I was thinking about how my life had NOT changed in three years and how I felt stuck in a rut.

Someone upstairs must have been listening.

What's especially scary is having someone else dependent on me. For example, if I suddenly had to move, I'd be ok crashing on friends' couches. But it's different when you have a kid. We can't even fit on one couch together anymore.

I hope the changes are good. I hope this next chapter is even better.

p.s. yes, my blog entry title is a total Glee allusion...

my roots

I ventured into Chinatown today. I thought it might be a good idea to get "sio bao" or "bao zi" (BBQ pork buns) before I picked up A from an overnight. I knew if I drove down Stockton I would find a bakery.

Wing Sing (not to be confused with Yank Sing) had beautiful baked and steamed buns for 80 cents! They're like giant, pillowy, Chinese Hot Pockets. I tried desperately to use my Mandarin in the heavily Cantonese environment.

"Liou ge bao zi," I ordered, holding up my hand in the universal six sign. It looks like the "Hang loose!" gesture with less shaking.

As one woman wrapped by food, another asked me something in Chinese. I repeated what I had said, thinking that lady #2 was the one running the cash register. Nope -- they use gloves to pick up the buns AND collect the dollar bills. So lady #2 was very annoyed with me and started complaining to her coworkers in Chinese.

I left the shop, clutching my neatly bundled Pepto-Bismol-pink box, with my head hung down in shame.

Passing on the Language

So I am 2nd generation, which means my parents were born abroad and I am the first generation to be born here. Inevitably, what happens as more generations are produced, is that the language becomes lost.

My comprehension, in my family's dialect Fukien, is ok -- I can usually follow the conversations of my aunts and uncle around the dinner table. It also helps that they sprinkle in English words here and there.

My reproduction of Fukien, however, is pretty poor. My tongue feels pretty useless in pronouncing the words correctly.

Fortunately, I've been able to pass on three important phrases to A that should pretty much get her through life:

1) STAND UP ("tsan chi lai"): Used frequently throughout her toddler years when changing her clothes. I still use it to get her to move from her preferred location: planted in front of the TV.

2) HURRY UP ("ha kin nay oh"): Again, probably one of the most useful phrases in parenting. Children never move quite fast enough (unless they are running away from you, diaper-less), so having that phrase handy helps keep us on a time table. It has also come in handy here walking around the city b/c she knows when I say it, she should stay really close to me. It's much more helpful than shouting "HURRY UP!" whenever a questionable person is walking by.

3) BUNS ("ka tsung"): Every culture has an affectionate term for that body part we spend many years wiping clean. Good thing it is such a cute body part. I'm sure being able to refer to it in our native tongue strengthens the cultural bond to our ancestors.

Realistically, the only way she will learn to speak Chinese is by taking Mandarin in high school or college. I'm not sure I'm ready to commit her to spending her weekends in Chinese School.

And really, in the end, the best it will help her with is ordering food in restaurants or helping translate conversations between senior citizens and store keepers, when called upon. That's the best I've been able to do with my Chinese.

Tired...

I'm so tired. RE: Parenting. Every day is not hard; it's the cumulative days that is hard.

Flu

I've been home with A for four days now... going on five. She had a 103 fever and threw up, but has slowly been getting better. Her fever was 99 - 101, but it's gone away. She's had a surprising amount of energy. I was expecting her to be lethargic and tippy, but she's been able to walk around. However, today, she started getting narcoleptic, so we may be out the whole school week. I'm trying to get her take a proper nap, but the Blue Angels are zooming overhead. Boo on Fleet Week!

So far, we've watched a few movies and lots and lots of TV. We made it to the movie theater yesterday and watched "Toy Story" and "Toy Story 2" in 3D. 3 hours and 45 minutes of 3D cartoons... I kept looking at my watch, but stopped after I looked over at her, grinning in her 3D glasses. She was having a grand old time.