The Adoption Option

For a while during my pregnancy, I considered adoption. I thought it was only fair to the baby to consider all the possibilities. People are so afraid to bring that option up to an unmarried girl. But I strongly encourage women to really think it through. Because being a mother is not just about playing with babies. That baby grows up to become a sticky, squirmy toddler. That toddler grows up to become a kid.

For me, one important consideration if I gave my baby up for adoption was that I wanted her to go to an Asian couple. I didn't want her growing up with a family that looked different than her.

In perusing one website with loving, stable couples, I could only find white couples and at most, couples with an Asian woman.

Asian couples probably either don't choose adoption or rely on adopting internationally. With China and Korea having two of the largest adoptee populations (and the paucity of domestic Asian birthmothers), it would make sense for Asian couples to seek kids abroad.

But as each picture popped up on the screen, I had this recurring gut feeling that proclaimed "I don't want to give my baby to them!"

For me, I had always known that I wanted to be a mom. And, at that point in my life, I didn't have a specific career or life plan that I would have had to give up in order to be a mom.

I was ok giving up luxuries in order to be a mom. I figured I wouldn't get to travel internationally anymore. I had seen parts of Asian and Europe. I would be ok without travel.

What I didn't realize was that becoming a single mom meant giving up travel within the home. For five years, I would never get to travel to the bathroom alone. Moreover, for seven years, in almost every store around the city, I would have to travel to the bathroom multiple times a day.

My Story

Every single mother I have ever met had her own story. This is mine.

There are single mothers by choice, single mothers by divorce... I am a single mother by circumstance. I probably fit the idea of what most people have about single moms: Unmarried, unexpectedly pregnant... I have been single since the beginning.

In my seven years of single motherhood, I have only met a handful of other Asian single moms.

Either

A) Asian women are not having as much sex as their counterparts.
B) Asian women are better about using birth control
C) Asian women are getting more abortions.

I believe it must be option C. The Asian culture is so much about "saving face." Unexpected pregnancies are unmentionable in many older generation Asian communities. An unexpected pregnancy derails people from the path to success that most Asian parents have for their children.

I was fortunate in that when I became pregnant, I was already 23 and finished with college. An Ivy League college, for that matter. Having that degree provided a surer economic foundation -- it opened the door to grad school and other work interviews. I am grateful for the post-undergrad timing of my baby's arrival.

When Asian Parents Don't Like Asian Single Moms

My friend's blog, Single Mom Seeking, recently posted an interesting topic about culture and dating single mothers:

“My traditional parents won’t let me date a single mom”
By singlemomseeking ⋅ October 7, 2008 ⋅

This week, a 30-year-old single man named Brad, wrote:

“I have a situation which I haven’t seen in your blog. There’s this woman I really adore. She’s the same age as me, and she’s a single mom. She has two sons. I’ve never been married, and I would love the chance to be a part of her — and her sons’ — lives.”

So, what’s the problem?

“My parents are Chinese. They are also very traditional. When I told them I was dating a single mom, they were furious.”

“She is Chinese, too, but they just won’t hear it. I really see a lifetime potential with this woman, but my parents refuse to even meet her.”

Ok… I can definitely weigh in on this issue. She had quite a few opinionated responses posted by the time I got to post. Below is what I added to the conversation:

For people to suggest that he just needs to “cut the apron strings” reveals their poor understanding of Chinese culture. Chinese culture teaches to respect your elders and honor them for the sacrifices they have made. And respect doesn’t necessarily “go both ways." There are ways younger people show respect and gratitude to elders.

I know that, relative to the rest of the population, there are not a lot of Asian single mothers to begin with. So Brad’s parents may not have had exposure to meeting single moms and may only know the stereotypes they see on TV.

Family is integral to the Chinese culture. There are definitely preconceptions as to what a traditional family looks like.

That said, I would not advise Brad to completely obey his parents’ wishes, but try to find a situation that appeases both sides. The I-don’t-care-what-you-think approach won’t work.

Brad could try using actions rather than words to explain how much she means to him. Somethings are better said when unspoken. I’d be surprised that the parents’ perspective doesn’t soften if they are ever able to meet the kids.

In my dating experiences with Asian men, I’ve had a wide range of parent reactions. Some embraced me and my daughter whole-heartedly. Another Korean guy could not mention my existence to his mother who probably would never accept me b/c 1) I’m Chinese and 2) I’m a single mother.

My situation is made easier by the fact that my daughter is all-Asian (as opposed to being half-Asian). Unfortunately, biracialism adds another complicated layer to winning over traditional Chinese parents.

Best of luck, Brad!